my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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