Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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