I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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