If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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