I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
