Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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