The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
