There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Quick, to the slutcave!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
