she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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