I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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