does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My penis needs a shock collar
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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