You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
