just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
