You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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