He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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