she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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