if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
