We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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