May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
