DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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