Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
