I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
