I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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