You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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