Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
