You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
