Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
