Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
