New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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