According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i will never coherently bang her
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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