I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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