So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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