call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
