She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
