Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
