It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
