So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
