Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
