We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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