i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
