trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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