i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my shit smells like andre
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
