I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
