dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
