I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
