I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
