listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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