So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I bet he comes in French.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
