so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
