one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
